I have been spending a considerable amount of time lately thinking about my future.
What kind of job I will have, where I will live, what kind of person will I become? The biggest worry however has become who I will marry. This is a question that many of us have been asking ourselves since the doc stopped writing our prescriptions for cootie shots. After tormenting myself with this question for days I came up empty. I could not think of one single person in my present or my past that I could see myself potentially marrying. With everyone around me seemingly in relationships or married or at the very least having a few prospects, I am left asking myself what is wrong with me. Let me tell you I have mastered the art of finding my own flaws and magnifying them until they consume me. I have begun to compare myself to everyone. I can't watch TV without constantly comparing myself to everyone that comes across the screen. I can't stand in the line at the grocery store, I cannot check my Facebook or Twitter feed. What I have discovered is that it is incredibly easy for me to identify the best qualities in everyone else, but I cannot find any good in myself. After many weeks of feeling hopeless and reaching a low point in my life, I have decided to do some things to change my outlook. I cannot hope to be loved if I do not love myself first. I can't sincerely love another person without first learning to love myself. So starting right now, I am beginning a mission. This journey to self acceptance will probably be the hardest thing I will ever do. It is essential to my survival. I know that I can't change over night, so I am going to take this one step at a time. Consider this my version of AA, SHA- self haters anonymous. I so badly needed a 12 step program and this blog will be my sponsor. I am going to start posting my steps to self recovery and how I am doing on my journey. I hope that I can begin to heal. I also hope that this little blog will be able to help heal others going through the same thing.
xoAJ
I still plan to do my regular not so completely sad posts so if this isn't your thing don't worry! I'll still be writing about everyday useless (but so fun) information.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Expiration Dating
Sitting in my living room in my skivvies watching Sex and the City, tossing back craisins when Carrie brings up a really interesting point. What's the point in dating someone when you know it will only be temporary? Rather it be the hot guy you met in college who will return to his home 4,000 miles away when the semester ends or the girl you know will never truly be what you need her to be. Why do we tend to waste our time on things that won't last?
There are two kinds of expiration dates. The first is the "bridge date". Bridge dates are flings akin to the dollar menu or the bag of chips that holds you over until you go out for a really indulgent dinner later on in the night. You have something that won't really fill you up mentally or spiritually but just holds you over a little longer until you find someone who fully satiates your needs and desires. There is absolutely nothing wrong with these kinds of relationships. They help to teach you about yourself and what you need in others. However, I do think it is very important to be careful with these relationships. Be sure that both people involved are aware that it is simply a here and now kind of situation. Don't let your temporary partner begin to feel like it is more than what you truly intend to make it.
The second expiration date is the kind of relationship that romantic comedies thrive on. It is the relationship that you want to work but the cosmic gods of love will never see it through. In the midst of all of your feelings of love something just does not click. It may be that you're both super busy all the time, or that you just don't have enough in common to make it work, but you both know that eventually it will end. Even though you may really love this person. It WILL end. These are the worst. Nothing good comes from these. EVER. More optimistic people would say "At least you learned something". Some lessons should NEVER be learned. Example, I never want to learn the consequences of accidentally throwing away my cell mates toilet paper shrine to Cher. Most people never want to learn what it feels like to find out that love does not conquer all.
So what do you do? Do you avoid these relationships at all costs? Or do we just let life happen? I have come to find that the best bridge date for me is myself. I prefer not to waste time expiration dating when I can be using this time to learn to love myself. And when I am fully ready to love someone else, it will be a relationship that I hope will never expire.
There are two kinds of expiration dates. The first is the "bridge date". Bridge dates are flings akin to the dollar menu or the bag of chips that holds you over until you go out for a really indulgent dinner later on in the night. You have something that won't really fill you up mentally or spiritually but just holds you over a little longer until you find someone who fully satiates your needs and desires. There is absolutely nothing wrong with these kinds of relationships. They help to teach you about yourself and what you need in others. However, I do think it is very important to be careful with these relationships. Be sure that both people involved are aware that it is simply a here and now kind of situation. Don't let your temporary partner begin to feel like it is more than what you truly intend to make it.
The second expiration date is the kind of relationship that romantic comedies thrive on. It is the relationship that you want to work but the cosmic gods of love will never see it through. In the midst of all of your feelings of love something just does not click. It may be that you're both super busy all the time, or that you just don't have enough in common to make it work, but you both know that eventually it will end. Even though you may really love this person. It WILL end. These are the worst. Nothing good comes from these. EVER. More optimistic people would say "At least you learned something". Some lessons should NEVER be learned. Example, I never want to learn the consequences of accidentally throwing away my cell mates toilet paper shrine to Cher. Most people never want to learn what it feels like to find out that love does not conquer all.
So what do you do? Do you avoid these relationships at all costs? Or do we just let life happen? I have come to find that the best bridge date for me is myself. I prefer not to waste time expiration dating when I can be using this time to learn to love myself. And when I am fully ready to love someone else, it will be a relationship that I hope will never expire.
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